Pondering Life

Well... another day wondering what life is going to be like.

Still struggling with my health. The brain surgery is long over, but the after effects remain. I guess they will remain forever. I can replace hormones, but it's not the same as having the real stuff being made by my body.

I'm thinking (never a good idea) that the mental stress of this is taking its toll. From the outside I look fine, much heavier, but OK. I sound good when I talk for the most part. The hard part I'm learning now wasn't the surgery, it's the stuff that comes after.

I've had other surgeries and I guess somehow this would be the same. It's not.

Yes, the body heals itself. However, all body parts are not created equal! Some just don't repair themselves, even with help.

Ah, enough of the bitching. I complain at times, but it's hard to do when I know how worse off I could have been.

Peace and joy,
Mudger

...all men are created equal.

Abraham Lincoln's words seem to be floating around the news channels today, on this, the 200th anniversary of this birthday. President Obama spoke tonight using Lincoln's words as he addressed our country's troubles.

I hope that in time the words of equality come to fruition for all Americans. LGBT Americans are still waiting to be included in this statement.

Mudger

Hmmmmmmm...way too long not to have posted

Well, it's been over a year now since brain surgery. I'm not going back to teaching at this point, possibly never, which is a scary thought.

Life's OK these days. Struggling with after effects of the surgery. It messed up my hormonal system as well as my brain's frontal lobe.

I'm in the process of doing all this disability paperwork stuff. What a pain! But, I need to do it.

What does the future hold? I don't have a clue. I guess I'll just have to "keep on, keeping on" one day at a time.

Peace,
Mudger

The After Surgery Blues

Dealing with the after affects of brain surgery ain't fun! I'm feeling half human these days. I can't do a lot of things, but my "mind" is telling me I should be. I'm riding an emotional roller coaster. And the ride is starting to freak me out!

Up to now I've been OK financially, but that is coming to an end. I can't go back to work the way I am, but I have to survive. The bills roll in whether I have money or not. I went to my place of work and got nothing but frustrated! Thank goodness I have a Union. I was able to get answers from the Union Secretary.

I have to remember to breath deep, let go of anxiety, and have faith that everything will be fine in the end.

Peace my friends,
Mudger

Ten years sober

Yesterday, the 28th, was my ten year anniversary of being sober. At times I wonder where all the time went.

It's amazing to be sober after all the BS I've been through. Two totally major surgeries, in which I could have easily died, but came out very well. Struggling with the after effects of brain surgery, and wondering how life will be now.

The loss of Brian my very closest friend and first love. Walking through all his medical struggles with him as his health care proxy, having to call 911 knowing it would probably be the last time he would be home, dealing with his mind going because of the cancer, hearing the last words he said to me be "I hate you!", and finally holding his hand as he took his last breath.

Having to tell a man I spent years with I could no longer be his partner. Losing a huge part of my life in the process, but putting sobriety first.

Facing my past and all the ucky things that come with it.

I don't know where the path leads from this point on, but I trust the Creator will guide me along whatever comes.

Peace an joy,
Mudger

"Always on my Mind" or Ouch, brain sugery sucks

Hey, it's been quite a while since I've written. A few weeks after my last post I had brain surgery. There was a tumor (benign thank goodness) about three inches directly back from my eyes. The surgeon says he got all of it. I hope so, I wouldn't like to have them go back in there again.

Recovery time is getting pretty frustrating. My body has lots of fatigue, as well as pains and aches. I need to remember to be grateful since I made it through alive and well for the most part. My eyesight is back to "normal". I finally have permission to drive. My memory seems to be coming back, as well as my thinking processes.

I have felt love from people from all over. I could actually feel it tingling on my skin when I spoke about it. I had prayers going on all across the USA (and Canada too).

Love to all,

MUDGER

"Ex-gay & Ex-Straight "

After reading recently about members of the ex-gay movement trying to get their message into the public schools, I wondered where the ex-straight movement members are? I know so many of them, you'd think they'd be organized.

I'm not sure of the numbers of folks in the ex-gay movement, but I have a inkling it's not a huge population. It seems every time I read about a group speaking out there are a couple "ex-gays" and a bunch of straight folks. A minuscule percentage of the (ex?) homosexual population is getting all the press and recognition possible. One look behind the faces of the few to the real power structure and you see straight conservative religious organizations. The money and legal assistance that flows into the ex-gay movement is driven by religious zealotry.

I believe I can explain why "ex-gays" are ex-gays. They were never gay to begin with! Dare I say the word that many on both sides of the sexual orientation issue would rather ignore? I shall, it's BISEXUAL.

Being an ex-straight I understand the issue clearly. I dated women, loved women, and even married one, but there was always something missing. It had to do with men. How in the world could I love women and enjoy sexual relations with them and be gay? It didn't make any sense to me for many years. However, I finally understood how this could be. For me, and many ex-straights, it had to do with the depths of the emotional, spiritual, and physical bonds I could reach with a man, that I could never reach with a woman. So many folks get caught up in the sex (ex-gays for example). Here's a clue. IT'S NOT THE SEX!

Being bisexual is difficult. I know people who are just totally straight or totally gay. The thought of loving someone of the same sex never enters their mind. Society would like bisexual folks to fit neatly in these two categories. We don't. We have to navigate the storm of love to find where our hearts beat true.

Ex-straights tried the heterosexual way and found it lacking. They put on all the trappings of a heterosexual, but could not at their core accept it. Ex-gays found being homosexual did not fulfill there deepest needs. They want to place blame on the "homosexual lifestyle", but those are just the words mouthed by the fanatics behind the scenes.

Maybe if we spend time explaining sexuality to youth in a more realistic way, there wouldn't be an "ex-anything". I think it's time for "ex-straights" to speak out so their "ex-gay" brothers and sisters can see how they are being used for nefarious purposes.

Mudger